Part 1
What is love?
What is to love?
What is to be in love?
I did it because I loved him. He said he loved me. All of me. Now he’s dying. Fast. Faster than me.
Dead. He died at 9:34pm, on a Tuesday, I remember it was on a Tuesday. Not quite the beginning of the week, But a day trapped, somewhere in the middle. I think it was a sunny day, bright. Ideally a good day to go. I don’t remember. My head was so cramped and clouded. Heart heavy. Floods of tears meandered down my face and neck. I hate hospitals! And this one was particularly busy. Buzzing sounds resounded in my head, all fused with the cacophony of a shattering heart. My discordant heart. All around me were faces of people trying to save lives. People fighting to live. I just wanted someone to take a life. Mine. I put my head on his now skeletal chest, I could just hear his breathing. Low. I couldn’t look into his eyes. Gone .He gave up. That day I did too. It’s no fun anymore. In this game of tag death always seems to win. Tag. It’s his turn.
I remember feeling so dried up. Dried up of all hopes and dreams and thoughts of love and tomorrows. All our tomorrows are now yesterdays, yester-months and yester-years. Memories. Vague.He died before I could even tell him I was sorry. I AM Sorry. I did it because I loved him. He said he loved me. All of me. Those were his words. Now he’s dead. Im dying. Fast. Tag. This time Its me.
I was never promiscuous, I was just naïve. I guess you cant really profile, AIDS. If you could would you have thought I had it? You were my victim. I guess I chose you the same way someone chose me. All I wanted was for my life to be normal. I wanted to finish school, get a job, start a family. Instead I fell prey to a person who sprayed me with this venom. Contaminated. There was no point in attacking or hating him, the damage was done. I was infected whether or not I liked it, wanted to or denied it. Then you came along. You didn’t know. I wanted it that way. You were my escape.I didn’t want anyone to know. It was my secret. Mine. You fell in love with me, I fell in love with life, again. I forgot. At least thats what I tell myself. “I forgot”.But Death didn’t.
I didn’t want to be alone in this. Who does? I let us live our lives as though everything was normal. I was your doctor thats all you needed. I was there. Thats all you needed. You were all I needed. But time and this malicious virus played its tricks on us. He came and knocked on your door when I wasn’t there to protect you. You let him in like you let me in.
What is love?
Isn’t love blind? Who determines who loves who.
What is to love?
Isn’t love unconditional, who sets the conditions.
What is to be in love?
Till death do us part.
I did it because I loved him. He said he loved me. All of me. I just didn’t tell you that AIDS was apart of me. Im sorry.